SariSays: Part TWO - Once you know something, you CAN'T UN-KNOW IT

The impression that most have of me is of strength, common sense, humor and a good grip on making it through anything life can throw at a person.  I can be deeply failing within myself, but appear to function so that no one really knows.  Except, that's a lie to myself, and I can't do that any longer.  In some odd convergence of good and evil, I have to pair these next two blog entries because "one thing leads to another".   PART ONE

If you are like me with a chronic illness (mine is IBD, an auto-immune disease), you are even more vulnerable to having mental health imbalances.  Emotional health issues are a symptom possible within a physical illness.  Mental health problems can create systemic reactions in your physical well being.  I finally have a "correct label" after years of being Clinically Depressed as a wrong diagnosis.  So many of us are chipped away at these days.  It's been a rough decade for our society.  Politics, wars, and especially this financial strain of historic world impact.  For me, stress and challenges tend to trigger my auto immune body.  Along with Crohn's Disease, I got Uveitis in 2007.   I have been cut open 6 times since 2004 for hernia and other gut fun, even though my Crohn's is in remission since 2002!  Then came menopause at age 47.  I was losing my essence and doing no good for those around me.  And, those around me -  have their own ticks, quirks and human weaknesses going in simulcast.  We all did the best we could with what we knew and wanted to make it better.  I have the responsibility to have learned from bad times, heal what I can  - and move forward having survived yet again.    

Head-Meds:  Doctors of good intent continue to dispense without questioning multiple combinations of SSRI/assisting psychotropic medications.  Before you add yet another drug to your body, you deserve a REAL diagnosis.  Get yourself to a MENTAL HEALTH PHYSICIAN SPECIALIST to diagnose you as accurately as possible.  This may mean physical exams with lab reports as well as piles of questionnaires.  Consider your individual body/daily life and health histories.  In many cases, as I have come to discover for myself ... meds can FAIL intended results or, as I found out - exacerbate/create mental impairment via taking the drug itself!   Many patients benefit from anti-depressants.  Set goals and time of use guidelines with your doctor.  ASK  if your doctor is versed with continuing education for accurately prescribing a 'head-med' if this is your PCP/GP/Family Doc.  Ask for a referral to a doctor who is a mental health physician.  In my very personal opinion, and based on my experience - pills should not be the first, singular or final answer.  Companion therapies should be integral, as well as frequent reviews of efficacy to track your efforts and progress.  QUESTION and INFORM your doctor about what you KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF.  

I was put on and off various SSRI type drugs since around 1996.  Since 2007, I had been on several right through to this fall.  We now know why Anti-depressants failed me.  I should never have been on that type of medication!  Some made me flat, some made me eat, or not eat, sex, or more often - sexless ... over the years, no head med of any type did what it was to do.  I have to tell you how much I am questioning these TV ads to ask you to insist on MORE drugs to go along with the drugs that are not working - to ... get them to work?  Is that the final or best answer?  If I can miss something this crucial, anyone can.  It's not like I was not seeking help.  I had support at home and used medical and talk therapy providers.  I had good care, yet we mislabeled me for YEARS.  I even tried holistic, non medication therapies.  I did okay or better for long periods of time without meds too.  Not one care provider had bad intent or lack of professionalism.  

Early in 2008, my excellent GP dispensed yet another try at an anti-depressant.  Due to my surgical history, I have no large intestine and very short amount of normal length of small intestine remaining.  We all kept thinking the problem with all the other anti-depressant trials of past and this new drug ... were about gut loss and malabsorption issues.  This time, we kept UPPING the dose.  This was a maximum dose of any med I have ever had.    I waited 8 months with this last drug for feeling better.  Effexor ER can be a dicky medication (in my opinion) from what I have since studied.  The side effects became horrific in my body and mind reactions to Effexor in extended, non-extended, generic or manufacturer trials and doses we tried.  Problems across the board got much bigger than they had to be.  I am working to fix myself and make amends to those I affected.  Around July, I experienced accelerated depression, body sweats of anxiety attacks, NIGHTMARES, weeping, no eating, sleeping 16 hours a day - dead sexual self, brain fog, tangential lack of articulation, exhaustion, hermitting and more.  Even thoughts of wishing I would fade away began to be a problem.  By late September, the Dark Thoughts started whispering to me.  Suicide has never been or would ever be MY answer.  I knew right away this death wishing was not of me.  I WAS DONE TAKING THESE PILLS.  I weaned off safely, but I have been off and healing since October 2011.  I would be dead several times over if not for the core of strength I am made of.  I have been dead two times in surgeries.  I have things to do!!!  I BELIEVE in my guardian angels protecting me during the worst of life and illness/surgeries.  I was not going to let A PILL be my early ending!  I have my son to finish raising and enjoy his journey - I have family and friends - and a happier life span to live on my own stable terms.    

QUESTION and INFORM your doctor about what you KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF.  Please SPEAK UP ASAP when you experience medication side effects.  Write down and report to your doctor all or any of the side effects you are having and what they do.  Check carefully about drug interactions with other medications you may be taking.  NEVER feel like you are 'bothering' your doctor.  They work FOR you.  If you are in serious need and cannot reach your doctor about your medications - please call your pharmacy.  Some of the most caring and proactive people in the business are at your drugstore!  You will also find advocacy or case help access with your insurance provider via customer service.  

My Effexor induced nightmares were so bad.  The dreams had become vomited memories of what was already a known challenged childhood past.  I knew the drug opened up locked doors in my mind.  I am still working towards reconciling with what my journey of life has been - and what choices I can make each day towards healing myself towards who I need to be today.  I am full of flaws, and it is the hardest turn-around I will ever take upon myself.  I am not without support and tools.   2012 UPDATE:  I have not been on any anti-depressants since last October.  Life is still very challenging, and I am imperfect, still trying to find where I belong and why.  I only know I belong in this life.  I know I deserve to be happier and that it is upon me to ultimately SEE that my happiness is not on anyone else's shoulders but my own.     I am thankful that I am still here, and that I have better awareness to work towards peace from within to live a better life experience.