A Sense Of Place/Seeking Growth - PART TWO

From MMN's November 22, 2011 entry, I decided to put these entries as parts One & Two.  The female feedback has been that it is good, but too much for one sitting ...

Another conversation, set amongst close friends was about Having a Sense Of Place. Here are bits and pieces culled from the best of our group think. It was a remarkable discussion.  The following are loose quotes, pared down to the essence.

Each statement is a voice sharing their point of view:

I got the impression from earlier that you were in a bad place.

Understanding context is really difficult being new to each other's history.

But I like your point of view, already!

You are appealing to speak with because it looks like you are striving for betterment of yourself and wanting to gain your wisdom. So many do not - they want a shoulder, but no fresh ideas to share about how to make life better.

You are plugged in, you have a well rounded view of the whole relationship circle and your view of it.

You answered my questions and ideas in kindness and the respect of seeing each other as having walked similar paths in life and coming out better.

I look at my current situation as two very worn out souls who faced too many external business and financial challenges, add in health and each other's imperfections ... and being so worn down, I, at least, have cognizance of how we got to where we are rutted in a place of burnt out psyches.

The way s/he feels about themselves seems to continually lead her/his choices to do the same things that failed him/us earlier in the daily methods choking our marriage!

S/He hides from that fearless self inventory as a list of shame rather than something to learn from. Bound to repeat things that cause hardship which keep the idea of success as never attainable!

I think s/he has never lived without a crisis, so when waters are calm - it does not last as an accomplishment to live in a peaceful place of stability. 

S/He tends to throw a new component of either mood or financial impact back into the midst of our marriage.

It is astoundingly clear to me, and those who know us - that s/he is totally and not of a purpose - actually obtuse to their own accountability in why they are not happy or why situations do not work out time and again.

Yeah, it never comes off as manipulating, just ingrained and deaf about it.

As it becomes worse, the gaps between being the spouse as the only one close enough to call them out is too blurred from living away from anyone who could echo or validate how you see it too!

It is not healthy.

S/He insists, as their pattern to live apart from clan and roots. No pack input to support or guide us. As it has come to be only me this last decade, s/he wonders, and I mean - seriously, does not know why they feel "picked-on" just at home where reality must bite!  (giggles around) 

My deal is different, but I can see that I have lost my connection to my own balance or being a partner to him that he had in me.

Running a family business and career is killing us with stress and blurred roles. 

(mutual voices; OMG! Ditto! Exactly! You too?)

I can't be a partner in be business, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom - there's no separating even when you know you have to make boundaries inside the roles, you can't!  

I get such crap about this!

I hear that! How can I be Jiminy Cricket and keep my legs open? I am too busy rubbing them together doing the Hard Work!  (YOU WENT THERE!!)

No load balance = no sexuality.  

You cannot be all roles.

Who can interpret unstated expectations?  No matter how long we've been together, I am not a mind reader!

I am always wrong if I guess and not ask - but then, told, "You should have known!"

Even as anyone close has pointed things out for self directed growth as a good thing - and change for THEIR OWN sake, it is not within them???

Guess not. S/He is always the victim in their own head.

With our situation, this is a wonderful person, generous and the soul of kindness and giving. 

They are so smart,  funny, talented and praised by being at the beck and call of all but home where we have been waiting for them to be present.  No one sees this but our isolated unit.  I feel totally GASLIT, that I must be making this up!   

Or, are you asking too much of one person?  

Yes, for sure.  I actually think I am more crazy!

That makes sense!   We see [this person] as all others do, but also see the clay feet that ownership of family and maturity require of a person.

By the time s/he falls in the door from a day of accolades from others ... s/he is actually astounded at the upset we find due to their behavior and the messy pile of "real family life" that got out of control while s/he was off playing "Hero".

Oh, yeah, for sure! In our house - I am then the demanding and questioning nag of responsibilities -  our kid just fades craving to be lavished with the same focus s/he gives to everyone else.

What I do to continue, knowing this is accepting or not?

I know, right? And I don't think I can bless what is good until I step out and away from the bad. I have detached and unassigned myself being The Administration Monitor.  Does that make sense or, am I really fried?

Yes, you're fried!  But you make sense.  
We need more coffee!

Could I just have some ice water?

I need to nip off to use the ladies...!

... After that, I think we were all exhausted but a little lighter for finding the honesty to sit around at 'tawk'. I believe this should be an ongoing thing.  SARI-SAYS:  For myself, I keep going back to the old quote:  "The brief definition of insanity is expecting better results from the same behavior."  Since the original "klatch" of this conversation took place, I am living those words.  It is painful.  It is not the easy way.  It is unwelcome.  But it is saner than I have been for many years.